


Midnight Sadness, Midnight Sweetness, Midnight Home

by Kleinstadtpoetin (haikyuu_philia)



Category: JO1 (Japan Band)
Genre: Basically RukiSei struggling for 10000 words, Fluff and Angst, I Tried, Implied/Referenced Anxiety, JO1 dorm life, M/M, Romantic Angst, Rukisei, happy end I swear, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:53:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26466736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haikyuu_philia/pseuds/Kleinstadtpoetin
Summary: Three months. After three months of isolation life is slowly getting back to normal, as normal as life can be during a pandemic and when the boys have to stay away from each other to not risk their comeback. One night the fun rumor about the dorm ghost takes an unexpected turn - And Shosei is there for Ruki to catch him when he falls.
Relationships: Ohira Shosei/Shiroiwa Ruki
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Midnight Sadness, Midnight Sweetness, Midnight Home

**Author's Note:**

> Me, after entering the fandom: I will never write a piece that involves shipping to real people.
> 
> Me, now: Fluff headcanons escalated on Twitter and here I am ~

_One random July afternoon in the JO1 group chat_

Shosei: Guys, this is really getting weird. What is this??

Keigo: You mean 'Who is this?' and I'm voting for Shion and / or Syoya.

Shion: okay first of all rude

Syoya: Agreed ~ Who tells us it's not you that is ghosting around the dorms at night?

Junki: Because he has more important stuff to do.

Takumi: o.O

Ren: Maybe our dorm is haunted. So what? We could invite the ghosts and at least ask for their names.

Mame: Great, we might have our very own poltergeist!

Keigo: NO, THANK YOU, REN. 

Sukai: Sounds like we have a volunteer who we can use as a sacrifice in case that the befriending strategy goes wrong.

Sho: Seriously, wow. Just wow. How do you always manage to escalate like this when I'm gone for like five minutes? And no, we aren't going to sacrifice anyone here!

~~~

Like this the whole discussion started once again. About the knocks on Shosei's door that he didn't dare to answer because no one replied to his verbal attempts of communication. Or how Sukai had recently felt a presence in front of his door despite nothing else happening. Week by week the incidents were piling up, especially ever since they had announced their second single, STARGAZER. As they had to limit physical contact to an absolute minimum the conversations were held online in their group chat. The virus situation made it hard to actually deal with this issue, still it lightened the mood of the rather scared members every single time. 

Meanwhile Ruki was missing out on this regular chaos that would lead to absolutely nothing but a few snickers behind the doors and about 160 new messages before the chat would go silent until they had to plan their kitchen schedule. For now he himself was fully immersed in the music, the beat echoing through his body as he easily synced his lips to the lyrics of their new lead track. In the mirror he watched the movements of his own body that had gotten more and more used to the fast choreography through the weeks. Officially he needed a jacket for the part he had been rehearsing for nearly an hour, but his hair was sticking to his forehead drenched in sweat which ended up being only one sign of the approaching summer heat. Ruki didn't even consider putting on another layer of clothes to cover his burning limbs. Sooner or later, he knew that much, he would have to do it. Though today wasn't that moment.

The bass of the song combined with the squeaking of his shoes colliding with the ground didn't manage to cover whatever hard work the air condition was going through. From early in the morning until late at night it would bring one of the boys an highly appreciated relief from the high temperatures for one hour. Then they would sanitize the mirror and the floor before leaving to give the next member the opportunity to practice in the only dance room of their dorms.

Sometimes Ruki would find Junki dancing in the kitchen to squeeze in some practice time in-between his media appearances and living. Another day he witnessed how Ren gave Sukai a bit of advice in the hallway, with a distance of approximately ten meters because this wasn't possible anywhere else.

These struggles definitely were on the virus. Move in together, the CEO had said in January, you will get to know each other better. Obviously no one had known back then that they technically wouldn't be allowed to visit the rooms of one another for weeks. Compared to sharing a room with three more boys during their days at Produce 101 Japan these circumstances had left quite a negative expression on Ruki - The idol with the pretty face and prince like aura that couldn't help but stay up until early in the morning when he was too nervous about an upcoming event. Probably he might never say it out loud, he missed Kosuke scolding him for non-stop talking at such ungodly hours nevertheless.

The music stopped after the song had finished, so did Ruki's body. Before he had the chance to catch his breath, it returned. The silence that kept surrounding him whenever he wasn't talking to himself or blasting some track on his headphones. But it wasn't the silence itself that he hated, more the thoughts that reigned in his mind as soon as there was no distraction left. They tortured him, even on this day in early July.

Of course he knew that he wasn't a skilled dancer like Ren, Shosei or Mame. His singing needed improvements too to get closer to Junki's, Sho's and Sukai's abilities. Shion and Syoya always owned their raps, he didn't. Somehow he even felt the group's second all-rounder, Keigo, grow stronger despite not seeing him a lot while Ruki seemed to not change at all. 

With quick hands he put his hair up into a little ponytail - A hairstyle that many fangirls had made them fall for him completely. Though he didn't surely understand why as his version looked quite shallow compared to Shosei's. The younger boy with the laugh of an angel and blond hair that reminded Ruki of pricey silk he had seen in history books never failed to pull off this look. In return Ruki was greeted by a pale figure in baggy clothes and even baggier bags underneath his eyes when he checked the mirror. He massaged his temples for a second, already feeling the upcoming headache that would simply be one of many ever since his sleeping schedule got messed up the way it did during self isolation.

A quiet groan slipped through his lips at the mere thought of the past weeks: Having time for himself was great. Hours to fill with whatever he wanted to do within his own four walls which he had started to call his own since they had moved in. Sho's guitar could it be heard in the entire apartment complex, if the other boys weren't busy playing video games and very rarely he could unofficially listen to Shosei's voice during his singing lessons without him noticing it. Those surely were his favorite moments of his rather grey routine as Shosei managed to leave some droplets of color in Ruki's soul. Many times a glance or a smile was enough.

His dance rehearsal ended the same way it had begun; with a knock on the door. A couple of words were exchanged with the person on the other side, though nothing out of the ordinary because there wasn't anything exciting to talk about when your life basically consisted of practice and sleeping, practice and sleeping, practice and sleeping. Either in the dance room or their private room. Alone, with no one around to avoid spreading the virus, which became specifically important after the rare invitations to shows of all kind. Hopefully the actual promotion season of STARGAZER would be more adventurous.

_And what if nothing changed?_

He opened the door, his mouth was covered with a mask yet Ruki felt his first smile of the day appear on his face as he encountered Takumi in the hallway. Finally he got to interact with someone in person, not just through text. On days like these he couldn't believe how a minor th* such as talking to another human had become a special occasion that he treated with more caution than his birthday. "The room is all set for you. Windows are open, everything I touched is sanitized and the air con is switched on", Ruki summed up his mental checklist which they were all following with eagerness. They couldn't risk to lose their privilege in form of a dance room as well. Not when things outside were slowly but steadily going back to normal, or a new normal like the media would describe it. 

"Thank you", Takumi replied fast but with a smile visible in his eyes. "Only two more weeks until the MV shooting. Fighting!"

"We've got this! And don't think about overworking yourself", Ruki said giving the younger one a thumbs up. Then Takumi's chuckle was muffled by the closing door until he couldn't hear it anymore. Nothing but his own breath made noises in the empty hallway that he walked through to get to his room. That's what it was: Changing between their rooms, the shared kitchen and the dance room. Outside their dorms people were returning to their old life as restrictions were lifted by the government. For the sake of the MV shooting they kept going like this nevertheless with basically their whole comeback on the line. One infected member could crash all the plans and so they went on with self-isolating themselves from early in the morning until late at night to start all over again the next day.

When Ruki passed by Mame's door he could hear their youngest talking to someone on the phone. Based on the sound of his voice Ruki just knew that it had to be his mom, the way his tone softened even more than usual stood out to him. Within the past weeks he had coincidentally witnessed too many calls to not notice this little detail. The walls weren't exactly thick and the humming of the air condition didn't cover everything. So Ruki had learnt to check his own movements very carefully, basically every sigh might reach someone else's ear if worst got to worst. 

Thirteen days, just thirteen more days before the group would reunite on set to film the movie for their new single. He always ended up telling himself this, counting down the days every time he reached for the doorknob of his apartment at the end of the line of doors. To shut himself off to secure everyone's health. 

At night those numbers echoed in his head. Whenever his thoughts wouldn't let him sleep - which happened more often than Ruki liked to admit these days - he compared the current amount of days left to what he had survived so far. From not knowing what this virus was capable of to vocal coaching via video chat to get the new songs out against all the odds. They weren't talking much outside of media appearances to not take any risks, but Ruki didn't oversee the signs of this lifestyle in the faces of his fellow members. Everyone was tired, exhausted and probably scared about the future, just like him. Yet he smiled through it all because worried fans would only mean more suffering for everyone while the situation was already taking a toll on them. That was before darkness covered the city, eliminating the rare evidence of living in their building completely.

Tonight turned out to be one of those nights. No singing, no guitar or piano, no screams of victory. Before the pandemic Ruki had enjoyed the silence from time to time, like a gift he received to take a break from the busy life of an idol. But now he just hated every single second of this. It offered spaces for his demons to sneak in.

_What if nothing would ever be okay again?_

Even though the warm temperatures of a summer night left Ruki sweating, he didn't turn on the air condition. No matter how high he pulled up the blanket, first to his waist, then to his shoulders and in the end all the way up to his chin, his body didn't stop shaking. Ruki was freezing to the bone, feeling the cold in every cell of his body as he pressed himself more and more into the mattress. But it didn't help, it never did. Once the darkness had taken a hold of him, the nightmares started playing in front of his eyes like he was watching a movie. A tragedy about a young boy fighting so hard to reach his dreams that he doesn't realize that he is stuck, just aging without achieving anything. 

The story of Shiroiwa Ruki. 

Breathing felt hard for him, especially when he opened his eyes after a few seconds of sleep every now and then. Hands clutched to his chest, Ruki continued to suck in air and release it after. Over and over again. Despite his eyelids getting heavier they didn't shut close at any tine as his thoughts didn't let go of him either. Like that minutes turned into hours with Ruki forcing himself to keep breathing while the scenarios kept toying with him. 

"Someone please help me", he pressed through his lips in a whisper after what might have been half of the night. But of course no one heard him, at such hours everyone else was calmly asleep and off to dreamland, a place that Ruki wanted to go to so badly and yet feared at the same time.

Maybe he didn't want anyone to notice his state as well. As their leader and the oldest Sho had told them to talk to him whenever there was something bothering them. Though, Ruki couldn't imagine that he had capacities left for him since the younger members definitely needed Sho more than he did, the third to the oldest. Not to mention that the vocalist was busy finishing the lyrics of his first own song besides rehearsing the choreography like the others. Next in line was Ren, their seemingly constantly happy and optimistic dance leader. Yet with him being the center of their lead song, including the main actor of the MV and the main vocalist of Sho's song Ruki didn't dare to bother him. His older mates were shouldering so much by now that he didn't mean to put even more pressure and worries into their schedules.

Ruki hadn't been this way in his entire life. Worried, yes. Shaking in terror, no. With his second debut everything was supposed to get better, happier, brighter. But as soon as light finally seemed to find him, shadows grew stronger in an instant. He wondered how the other members were doing behind their closed doors and decided that he couldn't risk talking to the younger boys about his issues. As the oldest brother - Sho and Ren functioned as the parents in this family of eleven - he had to offer advice and comfort to them, he thought, not vice versa. So Ruki rather suffered in silence than ask for help. The masks covered the bags underneath his eyes anyways, during recordings make-up did the trick. Absolutely nothing to worry about.

He pulled his trembling knees up to his chest, hugging them with his arms to make himself as small as possible. Shortly before the sun began to rise at the horizon, he finally drifted off to sleep covered by his blanket and alone.

_Twelve more days, just twelve more days to go._

Little did Ruki know that his fears weren't the only thing he couldn't control. One of which was called Ohira Shosei, living on the highest floor, who had made the decision to stay up all night all by himself, not aware of Ruki twisting around in his bed. What had started as a stupid joke shortly after moving into the dorms had turned into one of the biggest and currently most exciting mysteries there. Shion had admitted to playing a prank on Shosei by knocking on his door and running away, leaving the blonde rather confused than annoyed at two in the morning. Yet Shion didn't take the blame for all the events that had occured ever since they had been put into isolation: Knocks on Shosei's door somewhere in between one and four a.m. that he never answered. 

In the beginning he had slept through them, but Junki had noticed the incidents more often and even Sukai had testified that someone seemed to sneak through the hallways in the middle of the night, probably to reach the staircase which forced them to pass by Sukai's room. Shosei had asked Ruki, who was living next to the second staircase, as well but seeing the older being all pale and only speaking a few words when being asked about his nights, he didn't see a lot of sense in that. Not that Ruki had remembered anything of importance anyways. No lights turning on, no footsteps, no nothing once again. But Shosei didn't complain about the lack of information, instead he made sure to grab drinks for Ruki or save him some snacks whenever there was an opportunity to at the rare times they physically met. Out of nowhere a chocolate bar would pop up on Ruki's seat, for example. That was the way Shosei dealt with things. 

It had only been after the outbreak of the virus in Japan that he had realized how normal watching movies with Ruki or talking about going to an amusement park in disguises had become. Something he liked to call their little routine that was now missing more than anything else. Ruki's laugh didn't fill his room anymore and the older wasn't clinging to him once he had encountered a bug somewhere either. The good old times were gone, without Shosei being able to change anything about it. 

Actually he didn't voice his complaints once, mostly for the sake of his members. A twenty-year-old whining about not being able to spend time with his friends or playing around during dance practice wasn't exactly what they needed to keep the spirit up, which was hard enough without him saying anything. They were happy about every opportunity that was given to them to perform, including K-CON three weeks ago. Shosei vividly remembered the smiles on the screens around them while fans were watching them through an international livestream. But it hadn't been enough to make the urge to stand on a stage with fans directly in front of them vanish. How addicting their fan meetings had been was something Shosei still couldn't put into proper words.

Fans enthusiastically screaming their names. Signs of all kinds coloring the audience. The members being able to laugh with those that had given them this opportunity. Seeing the crowd of JAMs, the wings they needed to fly. 

Shosei had never taken drugs before, but he was sure that this experience was the closest he would ever be to it. Back then when everything had been fine. For him the memories faded into dreams as he accidentally made himself a bit too comfortable on his bed, his head meeting the cushions and his new Pom Pom Purin soon. For some reason the last picture popping up in his head was Ruki placing his arm around Shosei's neck while they were pressing their cheeks together during the last minutes of their fan meeting in Osaka. He had felt the big smile on the other's face despite not looking at him directly. And Shosei wished for nothing else but this moment to return. Their happiness, the warmth between them and the feeling of being able to conquer the world with ease.

That night Shosei didn't catch the one knocking on his door. Anyways, he didn't forget about it either because of the regret that hit him the moment his alarm clock woke him up about three hours after falling asleep. Maybe volunteering for the earliest dance slot the day following his attempt to stay up all night hadn't been the best idea. On top of that the remaining hours he had spent at dreamland hadn't really recharged his batteries. Jumping from one short dream to the next it had seemed like blinking except the little detail that more than just a few seconds had past. 

Thus, his efforts to solve the mystery of the dorm's ghost came to a hold again. With tv and radio appearances waiting for the group, he couldn't risk to fall asleep in the middle of it or look like his target himself. Not using the nighttime to rest collided with his schedules and despite being a fairly new group he needed to support the others to the best of his abilities instead of becoming a burden himself. 

A couple of nights later things had gone smoothly so far, he just returned from a radio program him and his fellow S4 boys had received an invitation for and all he wanted to do was to go to bed. Waking up at eight, dance practice at ten, vocal lessons at one, writing his new mail for JAMs at three, attending events sometime after or in between became his routine at the moment. His appreciated, yet tiring routine. Shosei flopped onto his bed a bit after the others had switched off the lights in their rooms since he hadn't been able to calm down on the spot. The adrenaline of having to answer questions live, without any time to think or correct his answers, was still rushing through his veins. Not being able to see his audience as well as their reactions immediately would make him go crazy one day, this much was sure for Shosei. At least all of the members could rest a bit more tomorrow, no schedule, no media appearance, no interview, no nothing. Sometimes a break was necessary, even if this break consisted of dancing and singing all day in exchange for not having to leave the building.

His feet still touching the ground he rested his back on the soft mattress as he deeply inhaled the cool air of the air condition. Two in the morning wasn't his usual time to be awake, god beware the memories of the day following his attempted all-nighter ghosted around in his head whenever he was tempted enough to not go to bed any later than eleven, which instantly would make him return to sanity. But tonight had something about it that Shosei couldn't explain. 

Probably his nervousness thanks to the MV shooting coming up in four days had taken away his tiredness. In interviews he would always point out how excited he was to tackle a couple of new challenges as part of the filming - And he truly was looking forward to it. The whole concept of twins going two completely different ways, therefore portraying the ups and downs of youth, had fascinated Shosei from the very beginning. Plus he had heard rumors about a major fight scene and despite being the harmony loving person he was Shosei had to admit how tempting a staged battle sounded, hopefully he would get to kick people to release some built up tension. If his members knew about this inner wish, they would absolutely drop everything to threaten Syoya and Shion, who would get the blame for the angel turning dark and shady. Oh, the trouble they would be in for Shosei simply expressing himself openly.

At the thought of Shion complaining about the mistreatment which would only happen because of everyone accusing him of knocking on Shosei's door at night, and him asking for a lawyer before saying anything in front of the JO1 Court - aka. Sho - Shosei couldn't help it but chuckle a little. What a weird aesthetic he had created by laughing alone in the dark at imaginations no one else might find funny. Tiredness surely was an interesting state of mind.

_Knock_

Call it his dancer reflexes or his instincts level hungry cat that knows it will be fed as soon as its owner walks into the kitchen, no matter what triggered it, but Shosei's body shot up in the speed of light. The blanket he had been laying on most likely messed up his hair as a result of the sudden movement, he nearly tripped over the chair which never moved around in the room yet suddenly appeared in the dark and Shosei couldn't care less about it. His thoughts weren't really empty, just completely focused on making use of this chance - Today might be the day or tonight might be the night to end the riddle that was more or less responsible for them keeping the group chat alive. If not Shion, someone else would be standing on the other side of the door and Shosei was more than interested in the explanation that person had to present. 

_What if my chuckle summoned a ghost?_

It felt like three of Shosei's brain cells were fighting over control: The one focused on reaching the door, the sane one and the one that had absolutely spent way too much time with Keigo complaining about his upcoming pledge. For the blink of an eye the latter seemed to win while Shosei thought about the possibility of him meeting his first ever ghost at the mere age of twenty. A few legends say that opening the door for a ghost or vampire is exactly what they need to get in, at least according to several websites that Shosei might have checked out a little much recently. Having fangs stuck in his throat didn't sound really inviting. But the tiny probability of Shion or Syoya being scolded by Sho or Ren or alternatively both after weeks of Shosei worrying about the dorms being haunted or him being stalked by a stranger seemed promising enough to risk the blood loss, to be fair.

In perfect sync, like he had never done anything different in his life, his right hand reached for the doorknob when his left one hovered above the switch for the light. Before he illuminated his own room, he realized that no light was shining through the little gap between the door and the ground. Whoever or whatever was waiting there had done so in complete darkness.

Shosei gulped, hesitating for a second, as he remembered all those nights he had had troubles falling asleep due to his mind exploding and not giving him a moment to rest. Similar to him applying for PRODUCE 101 JAPAN he acted because he had no idea when or if the next chance would come. One thought lead to another, the lights went on around him, therefore blinding him until he blinked again. Then he grabbed the doorknob even tighter, swinging the door open with just enough power for it to not collide with the wall behind it. Once more Shosei's eyes had to adjust to the changing amount of light, this time the other way around as the lamp from his room was the only source right now. Though it didn't take him long to recognize the person in front of him, who he wasn't separated from with a wall anymore.

There was Ruki.

Shosei could simply stare at him while he furrowed his eyebrows in disbelief. After looking up and down to see that Ruki was indeed wearing his pyjamas - an oversized white shirt with plain grey shorts, not even socks on his feet - he dared to make eye contact. With the little issue that Ruki wasn't looking back at Shosei, but through him. His usually shining eyes, whose color reminded Shosei of his daily coffee being kissed by the morning sun, had lost their spark. Before the blonde could think about it more or say a word, his body had to react automatically for the second time this night.

Out of a sudden Ruki gave in. His arms had been hanging next to his torso in the air nevertheless, now his legs seemed like they weren't capable of holding up his weight either. From Shosei's point of view the other went down in slow motion and left enough time for him to gasp audibly. With both arms he tried to catch Ruki as much as possible, though his hasty movements caused himself to stumble, resulting in them going down together once he had to hold Ruki's whole weight. In a quick moment of thinking Shosei pressed Ruki's head against his own chest to cushion it during the impact with the ground that unsurprisingly didn't go without an awful noise. The moment Shosei breathed out due to the pressure of his back hitting the floor he noticed that he had been holding his breath ever since reaching for the falling Ruki. 

Of course his chest hurt and maybe his lower back had felt better before as well, but he didn't waste a thought on that. As he was mentally putting together the pieces of what had happened, he spoke Ruki's name numerous times to get a reaction from him. Useless. His hand still placed at the other's head he could feel him breathing, but he didn't answer, not even moan in pain or discomfort. The second arm wrapped around Ruki's hip he felt how warm his skin was, yet he trembled in Shosei's rather improvised embrace. Hopefully his body had been able to protect Ruki enough for him to not get hurt in any way, Shosei thought somewhere in between breathing and checking on the other.

"Oh my god, Shosei! Are you ... is that Ruki? What happened?" Junki appeared in the door frame even though Shosei hadn't heard any footsteps or a door beforehand. That changed when he answered his obviously concerned friend who carefully crouched down beside them.

"I don't know", Shosei said in a more collected manner than he had expected from himself. "Can you - Can you help me get up without dropping him? I don't want to hurt him."

Talking to another person helped Shosei to lose his super focus on Ruki. Therefore he heard more people approaching much earlier compared to Junki who had basically popped up out of nowhere for him. Next was Takumi, his roommate to the left, followed by Syoya. They had the same questions, only to receive the very same answers from Shosei like he was a broken record but he couldn't help it as he didn't know more anyways. With the joint forces of four people they managed to get Shosei into a sitting position without him having to let go of the still unresponsive Ruki in a matter of seconds until heavy footsteps echoed in the staircase.

None of them had to check to know that Sho had been woken up by the ruckus as well despite living not one, but two floors below. He was the first one to consider calling for professional help, which was more than valid looking at the circumstances and the little information they possessed. The members of the second floor joined the crowd not much later, even Ren was there - The one who had peacefully slept through a 3.8 earthquake a couple of weeks ago. Probably the co-leader senses had kicked in, just like a parent would never roll over their child while sleeping. Especially the two oldest tried to find a solution to the problem that they didn't know how big it could actually be. 

In the meantime Mame took over Junki's spot, ignoring that everyone else urged him to go back to bed as they would deal with the situation. Shosei didn't contribute one word to the discussion. Instead he was too busy cradling Ruki in his arms as he watched his motionless face that finally seemed to regain some color. He played with a streak of the other's brown hair, unintentionally and automatically like his fingers were meant to do exactly this and nothing else in the world. If someone had told him that his first physical closeness to Ruki for minutes would occur in such a scenario, he wouldn't have believed it, not even after three nights with no sleep. Now Shosei was the one to blankly stare at Ruki as his eyes were covered by blonde hair falling into his face while he pulled himself together by biting his lower lip.

"We need to call an ambulance. Who knows what exactly happened, but we certainly don't. I don't want to take a risk when it comes to the health of a member", Sho explained with his phone in his hand.

Junki ran his hand through his messed up hair, fixing absolutely nothing. "Seriously I don't mean to sound irresponsible because you are right. It's just that the MV shooting will be cancelled, if he is at the hospital. We all know that we are risking everything here."

The conversations between the members turned into a blur of noises and Shosei didn't keep track of the topics anymore. All he wanted to do was to hold Ruki close, tell him that everything will be alright, promise him to be there whenever he needed someone to talk to, most likely even beyond that. He should have said something when he saw how pale Ruki was whenever they encountered each other. Shosei knew that, he totally did. It wasn't like he hadn't thought about it because he had, over and over again until the moment had ended before he had built up the courage to speak. Everytime he had promised himself to go for it the next time, but the outcome never changed.

Because Shosei didn't know how to offer a shoulder to lean on to a person he could barely talk to casually. To a person who didn't leave his mind all day and who showed up in his dreams. 

Shosei's heart was aching to see the Ruki from their fan meetings again. Or the one he had first met in Class C during PRODUCE 101 JAPAN. It didn't matter which one. As long as Ruki would find his happiness, regain his smile that made him look like he was shining, say Shosei's name in this tone no one could imitate. Ruki looked so painfully fragile in his lap with his head resting on Shosei's thighs, the latter's hand still running through his brown locks with the new blonde highlights for the MV and promo pictures. Somehow he managed to pull off every single style, in contrast to Shosei who was too afraid to try anything more spectacular than dyeing his hair blonde. 

"I'm sorry", Mame mumbled. His eyes were glued to the floor, the others didn't catch his words. "Recently I heard him walking through his room at night, sometimes entering the hallway. But I didn't think it was something to worry about. So I didn't say anything."

_Walking through the hallways at night?_

Thus, it clicked in Shosei's head. The unspoken idea he had built together unconsciously highlighted itself with blinking lights so that even the exhausted boy wouldn't miss it: Someone ghosting around during the nights. Ruki appearing in the dark hallway in front of Shosei's door. Such somewhat random things got connected and Shosei was fairly sure that it wasn't an act of helplessness which his mind tried to get him out of by offering a fake theory. 

"Guys, we are so freaking stupid and blind at the same time", Shosei chuckled in a combination of desperation and relief as he threw back his head to look at the other's for a moment. All eyes were on him. "Ruki is a sleepwalker. That's all there is to it. Do you remember Honda complaining about things moving around in their room without finding the culprit? Yeah, that was most likely Ruki. And now our dorms are his new territory."

Shosei went on with explaining that he had probably woken up Ruki when he had opened the door, thus triggering the other to faint which was why no one should ever wake up a sleepwalker if possible. Being able to basically recall every single one of the rare conversations with Ruki, he told them how their prince had recently ranted about him losing his sunglasses despite putting them at the same spot every time. Soon after that he had found them in a different corner of the room. Little anecdotes such a this one brought visible ease to everyone's expressions.

"Shosei, this is exactly why you are the one in charge of the braincell in S4", Sukai concluded with a nod. 

If it wasn't for Ruki still being passed out on the floor, the mood would have been lifted already. That was what Shosei liked to call the magic of this group. Most importantly they all convinced Mame that the current situation wasn't his fault at all since - admittedly - most of them wouldn't have been suspicious of Ruki being up in the middle of the night. Especially taking the circumstances into consideration that left all members with insecurities and they knew that Ruki coped with such things by not sleeping. Obviously there were healthier ways for that but no one dared to lecture an unresponsive Ruki when they didn't have a lot of alternatives to offer. Ren endlessly danced his worries away, Shosei buckled them up inside. Not much existent to brag about. 

"How are we dealing with this now? It's been ten minutes and you know", Syoya asked, vaguely gesturing towards Ruki in Shosei's arms. All of them had agreed with the theory of Ruki being a sleepwalker, but having an idea of what might be going on didn't solve anything here. Unless it was an absolute emergency Sho didn't feel like calling Ruki's mom, who he had on short dial for leader reasons, either. Except for Shosei whose eyes were on the boy again everyone stared at the oldest, some raising an eyebrow like they were waiting for an announcement and orders to follow. Facing a bunch of puppies with snacks in his hands would have caused less attention than this, much to his appreciation. Silence fell over the group in the hallway. 

Sho put his hand at his neck and sighed, "No clue if this is the right decision. Let's just bring him back to his room for him to rest. If he is not up by midday, we will call a doctor. No discussions, okay? The MV is important, Ruki's health is more important."

"We don't have to drag him through the staircase, he can sleep in my bed", Shosei objected in the middle of brushing Ruki's cheek with his hand. "Carrying him around would be a lot of effort and we would risk waking him up accidentally or forcefully. Doesn't sound right to me. Here someone will be around all the time because I will be here."

In his arms Ruki had finally calmed down a little, which Shosei noticed because the other wasn't trembling anymore. If the rest had found them like this, no one would have suspected any drama besides Ruki sleeping in Shosei's lap. He looked so peaceful that Shosei would make the world stop just for him to be able to relax a little while longer. On top of that he was craving an answer; the answer to why Ruki was currently laying in his embrace and not Sho's or Ren's. Their rooms were a lot closer compared to his own, the people living in them much more skilled in terms of advice than Shosei might ever be. Against all the odds Ruki's subconscious had chosen him, the one who had wanted to offer help for so long, without him actually knowing about Shosei's inner thoughts. 

_Or did he know?_

The blonde was sure he didn't since he himself hadn't been able to label what was going on in his head and heart whenever Ruki became the topic. Obviously everything had to happen at once now. The luck of holding his special person this close faded because it came with Ruki suffering from something Shosei didn't see. There had to be a reason why Mame discovered him walking around more often nowadays, why he chose Shosei's room to go to without actively deciding it, why he had gone silent as soon as he was being questioned about his nights. And Shosei knew that he didn't want to let go of Ruki before someone guaranteed he would be fine without him. 

Keigo straightened himself a little, placing his hands on his lower back to stretch it. "Usually I would agree, but what about the quarantine rules?"

"Technically we have broken every single rule the management had told us to follow by meeting in the hallway without wearing a mask", Takumi stated with an exaggerated look of innocence on his face. "So I don't think this will make things worse. And telling them that we didn't take care of Ruki after passing out would earn us much more scolding, at least I hope so." 

Admittedly none of them had noticed that they were definitely standing too close to each other until now. They had touched the others, first and foremost Shosei who couldn't have cared less about the virus guidelines when Ruki had collapsed in front of his door. His mind had switched to autopilot, catching him somehow in time which still seemed like tonight's biggest miracle to him. The bruises that would probably appear on his back soon were acceptable for Shosei as long as they prevented Ruki from getting hurt. Everything would be worth it once he would hear his voice later, after a long nap in Shosei's bed that would hopefully be comfortable enough for the other boy in between some plushies. 

"Alright then, Sho and Junki will carry Ruki to the bed. I'm going to grab a wet cloth and a bottle of water from the kitchen", Ren announced. With that they had officially declared to screw the rules until the issues were solved and if Ren said to screw the rules, they were allowed to screw the rules. In less than one hundred hours they would have been close at the set anyways. 

Shosei acted and felt like a bystander in his own room from then on: The two former Sixpacks lifted Ruki out off his grasp with ease, proceeding to bring him to Shosei's bed by wrapping his arms around their necks and holding up a leg each as the blonde nearly had to look away while supporting Ruki's head. The way he looked like a marionette on strings, lifeless and without an own will, forced Shosei to swallow hard. Were did his adventurous and energetic Ruki go? Even though being carried around hadn't disturbed him in his unresponsive sleep - he certainly was a heavy sleeper once he had calmed down enough to close his eyes - Shosei wrapped the blanket around him with caution. Now it really seemed like Ruki had just fallen asleep in his bed instead of practically stumbling into his room a bit earlier. A sight he could get used to, Shosei had to admit internally.

When he placed the chair that normally never left its spot next to his working desk beside the bed, Ren returned from his mission. He handed Shosei the bottles with water before placing the cloth drenched in cold water on Ruki's forehead. At the same time Keigo took Mame under his wing, distracting him with one of the ghost stories he himself usually was afraid of the most. Junki and Takumi joined them soon, the remaining three of S4 decided to have a sleepover in Sukai's room as well. Tonight nothing was normal, so the normal rules didn't apply either. 

That was one aspect that Shosei could fully agree on. And it totally got to him the moment Ren and Sho excused themselves to go back to their beds after checking on Ruki once more. They left with the promise to look after them taking turns every hour and to be on standby all night long, no matter what Shosei might need and Ruki at that.

"Call us or yell through the house, someone will hear you and come, don't worry", Sho said before closing the door for the first time ever since Shosei had opened it about an hour earlier to find Ruki standing in the dark hallway. 

Just like that they were alone, Shosei with Ruki who was resting in his bed surrounded by his plushies and covered by his blanket in his room. An odd combination of happiness and worry, excitement and fear, joy and nervousness spread in his chest as he watched Ruki silently breathing while sitting on the chair next to him. A part of him was still waiting to wake up with a decent amount of blood missing in his system thanks to a vampire attack, at least that sounded much more realistic than the actual situation felt. His mind jumped back and forth between their movie nights and Ruki laying in his arms completely motionless, but he couldn't bring these two pictures together.

Quarantine had really messed up their relationship, Shosei had missed Ruki more than ever before, yet he didn't text him a lot, not knowing what could be interesting when the other used to take the lead in conversations. It hurt to think of the many times Shosei had been sitting on his phone steadily trying to come up with a good joke or lucky excuse to text Ruki on the days they didn't see each other in person. 

"God, Ruki, why didn't you say anything?" Shosei supported his head with his hands in order for it to not collide with his thighs. He hated the boy for not speaking up about his worries when they were bothering him. He hated the world for this stupid virus that had decided to show up out of nowhere for whatever reasons that no one might know in forever. 

But most importantly he hated himself. For not being brave enough to talk to Ruki even though he knew that something was wrong, just because his heart was toying with him ever since that moment of realization during their fan meeting. How much did Ruki have to suffer for the light being sucked out of his body to an extent that his eyes would lose their spark? The image haunted Shosei. Whether he stared at Ruki to see if he was breathing or he closed his eyes to rest for a second, it was there. He ruffled his own hair much rougher than Ruki's before, somehow he had to get it out of his mind as it was slowly driving him crazy. Ruki was here, right next to him, alive and well, but the memory disagreed with that conclusion. Nothing could be fine with this empty expression of his. 

At some point Shosei's mind went blank as well and he missed out on Ren's first check up. The latter covered him with a thin blanket before placing a pillow between Shosei's head and the wall he was leaning on. He noticed nothing of this, didn't even flinch when Ren guided his body into an upright position to prevent the younger from hurting his back overnight. 

During the following check ups by the two oldest members all they could report to each other were some slight changes of positions such as Shosei crossing his arms in front of his chest or Ruki - to their relief - turning to his right side, therefore facing the wall instead of the ceiling. 

As soon as Ruki slowly regained his senses, he begged his body to let him sleep a little while longer and didn't dare to open his eyes trying to catch his sleep that was fading away. Finally, for the first time in weeks, warmth enveloped him. The blanket didn't weigh a ton, breathing was easy: He knew that something was different, but he couldn't name it and refrained from questioning the nice feelings to much. In the air was a slight scent of vanilla that smelled oddly familiar, not from his room yet from somewhere else, just that he couldn't focus on these thoughts once more. Everything felt much softer than usual, inviting him to stay in his position a bit longer and hugging the blanket slightly more. Pieces of dreams returned as memories, first the darkness which hadn't been a stranger recently, then colorful lights surrounding him with comfort and in the end floating somewhere that could have been heaven without Ruki complaining about it.

Suddenly the sound of the door quietly closing reached his ears. Ruki spent a second with thinking about the noise that didn't want to fit into the picture, thus leading him to let go of his dream without a chance of return. Who would take a look into his room? What time was it anyways? Rubbing his eyes he turned around to see whether someone had entered or not. First in sight appeared his little angel, sitting on a chair still asleep in a rather uncomfortable position with his hair being all messy. A tiny smile made its way to Ruki's lips while his glance traced the other's outlines in silence. He looked perfect and in harmony with everything surrounding him that Ruki would throw hands at whoever decided to disturb his peace. Pretty much like he would always do when it came to ... Shosei!

The moment his sanity took over Ruki understood not a lot more except for the fact that he was in Shosei's room for some reason he didn't know and that Shosei was sleeping right there in front of his eyes. Not that he had anything against the boy getting his well-deserved rest - How could someone look so flawless being asleep anyways? - it only hit him quite late that they weren't in Ruki's room. So that had to mean, he slowly looked down to his toes, that this certainly wasn't his bed either. Not his blanket, not his pillow and most definitely not his Pom Pom Purin plushie which he had most likely cuddled tonight instead of his owner. What had started as an attempt to sit up without making a sound, ended up being the exact opposite when Ruki remembered that someone must have seen them like this. Namely the person who had closed the door.

Only Shosei's groan made him shoot around to have eye contact this time. The blonde blinked a few times, not doing much else but stare at Ruki through a visible curtain of tiredness in his glare. Not a word was spoken. Ruki tried to save the situation he couldn't explain himself by smirking a bit at the other boy, more or less seeming helpless as he aimlessly searched his mind for tiny mosaics of information. 

Simultaneously he watched the way Shosei's lips started to tremble, in the beginning barely noticeable but soon being visibly suppressed. It was that second Ruki somehow came to the conclusion that he had messed up bad, really bad. If only he was aware of what he had done to make Shosei's happiness disappear. For weeks Ruki had prayed for the virus to go away quickly, so that their routine could return and their lives continue like nothing had happened. Seeing Shosei crumble in front of him wasn't part of that scenario. Because apparently something had happened.

"Shosei, are you okay?" Ruki attempted to find the source of evil in the room. Maybe even an explanation for him waking up in Shosei's bed, where he had miraculously slept in peace. 

Anyways, his words triggered much more than he had thought and Shosei found himself at his limits of pretending that everything was alright when the person he loved the most - he felt confident using this expression after this horrible night - was suffering in front of his eyes. The pressure inside of him kept paralyzing him until he couldn't hold it back anymore, tears began to flow. And every single drop pierced a knife through Ruki's heart. Tears turned into sobs before he had even realized what was going on here.

"No", Shosei said in between his hiccups, forcefully brushing the back of his hands across his face to stop the tears from falling or to hide them at least. "Nothing is okay. I always wanted to last night you had to pay the price for my stupidity."

Shosei explained how Ruki had knocked on his door, most likely not for the first time, collapsed into his arms, scarring all the members and leaving scars on Shosei's soul. All the feelings he had buckled up for months as a result of not knowing how to cope with them alternatively were blurted out on the spot. From the moments where Shosei recognized Ruki's weaknesses to him failing to convince himself to actually execute his plans that he had created for days and nights. It was like Shosei's heart finally saw an opportunity to speak up and used it to scream away the pain. In the end his voice was hoarse when he didn't sob, yet again failing to regain control over his feelings.

"Right now I'm just so happy that you are looking at me and not through me. That there is light in your eyes, not this scary cold like tonight", Shosei sniffled after what must have been minutes of talking. He fixated his red eyes on Ruki to make sure that the spark was still there. But Ruki hadn't turned into a lifeless marionette as Shosei had feared, he had listened to the whole story. 

To put it lightly, Ruki's bubble burst. Everything he had created to hide behind, all the positive imaginations of his members being happy and laughing with each other, if he kept quiet, basically his fuel to continue within the last weeks, his will to force himself to smile through it all shattered. One facade had followed the next while all eleven had thought the other ten were doing fine. And Ruki's breakdown had brought it to a downfall last night. Pretty much like Shosei was fighting to destroy his walls right here and now, with tears and honesty. Something Ruki hadn't allowed himself in a while.

He wasn't sure whether he was ready to admit that he was struggling or not, but seeing Shosei in this state of plain emotions left an impression on him. Furthermore his body took over, ignoring his head which hoped to stop him from doing anything stupid and to maintain the flawless image he was showing on TV. With the major difference that Shosei wasn't some stranger on the other side of the screen.

Ohira Shosei had been more than just his fellow group member to him for some time now and that finally got through Ruki's thick skull. 

Tossing the blanket aside, he jumped out of the bed and eagerly reached for the stars, his world, Shosei. 

For a moment time stood still for the blonde boy. When Ruki's arms pulled him closer he nearly choked on his heart that climbed up his throat. Whatever was going on, it couldn't be anything else but a dream. Shosei prayed that the feeling wouldn't go away, the safety of being held by someone who gifted him with so much warmth even in the darkest seconds. Slowly he leaned his forehead against Ruki's collarbone as his own hands trailed to the other's back in a less abrupt manner than the brunette had done it before.

With the two of them being this close Ruki suddenly smelled vanilla in the air again, yet this time he didn't fail to recognize it - Shosei emitted this calming scent. Technically it wasn't just him, but the bed and his clothes as well. Of course such a sweet boy would use detergent like this, Ruki internally chuckled. No wonder that he had rested calmly surrounded by the vanilla sheets and Shosei himself. 

Ruki began to carefully pat his angel's back, first once, then twice and in the end changing to drawing little circles with his palm. 

"I'm so sorry that I forced you into such a situation", Ruki said after Shosei had stopped sniffling. And he truly was sorry for his actions. While he had been able to rest properly for reasons that sounded like straight out of a drama, the other boy had received a nightmare coming to life. 

Somewhere in between catching his breath and calming his exploding heart Shosei loosened his grip around Ruki's waist a little. Just enough to bring a bit of space between their bodies which allowed him to look up to his most treasured person. Brown eyes met another pair of brown eyes that Shosei could lose himself in instead of crying over the fainted spark. 

"From now on knock on my door whenever you feel like it. This isn't an offer, it's an order." Ruki looked at the fire in Shosei's glassy eyes, forgetting how to use his lungs temporarily. But his look softened soon. "Do you even know what made your sleeping mind walk to my room and not like Sho's? Which would have been a much smarter choice in terms of ... you know ... social skills?"

Maybe it was this side of him that Shosei rarely showed in public or maybe it was him starring at Ruki with puppy eyes right after, but Ruki's right hand automatically moved to fidget with a streak of the blonde - and amazingly cute - bed head. Obviously he didn't know that this was the exact same thing Shosei had done a couple of hours prior to that. Playing around with his locks when Ruki had been sleeping on the floor. It simply felt right and Shosei had reacted to similar thoughts, unbeknownst to both.

Ruki caught himself shooting a tiny smile at the other boy as the corners of his lips went up a little. 

"Because around you I'm home."


End file.
